Yeah, so it's Novemeber... Again.
I hate November.
It's cold, it's windy, it's dark.

And yesterday I nipped out to put some money on my electric key and got incredibly wet and cold. Not to mention that hail stones plain old HURT.

My jeans are still totally soaking, I had to leave them behind to dry while I'm away.

Being away sucks in certain ways too. It means I don't get to go to bed with my boyfin every night.
It means I don't get stoned.

It means I don't sleep in til 5pm.

But it's awesome in other ways. For example, there's more to do at Mum's house.
Internet, TV, Wii-Fit, and of course listening to Mum rant.

Hmm. I was going to say something else but I forget what.
I'm hungry.

I have my first counselling appointment with the Tyneside Rape Crisis Centre on Friday, and I am scared. Because I don't <b>want</b> to remember. Sigh

And... Kendra is annoying me by firstly trying to set me up with Stuie, then ignoring me today.

In other news, after realising that I don't remember anything that happened the previous week, I have given up alcohol until further notice.

Err... That's about it.

I have a Drs appt today. Now I must convince her that I am depressed, while simultaneously not being depressed.

Fuck me, this is ridiculous.

Sod it, where's my coffee?

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SO, I'M ASH. I'M GAY. I'M PRETENTIOUS. I'M A TIMELORD. I'M AM NOTHING WITHOUT THOSE PEOPLE I CALL FRIENDS, THOUGH WITH THEM NOTHING CAN STOP ME, AND MUCH HAS TRIED AND FAILED. I LOVE MUSIC, ART, FILMS, TV, DANCING, POETRY (I EVEN WRITE MY OWN), CIGARETTES, SEX AND GOOD TIMES. AND I WON'T APOLIGISE FOR THAT. ANY QUESTIONS? IF SO TELEPATHICALLY SENT ME A MESSAGE IN BINARY, OR ALTERNITIVLY COMMUNICATE YOUR QUERY THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF RAVE. HERE'S A SURVAY DOODAD:










My Gosh, I laughed so hard. Ash - you're a genius and I love you.

 VICTORY IS MINE!!

That is all.

So I began 2008 already sunken in the depths of black despair.






No, it won't "get better".

It'll always hurt.




And the worst is knowing that it could be made better.

It would take about half an hour, to give me back the will to live.



























































And that's never going to happen.

I HAS STOCKINGS!

How Christmas.

That is all.

Went to a house party on Saturday night, hosted by my friend Jessicat.

Twas good. There were many irritating children there, but I was highly intoxicated so didn't mind too much.

I got very stoned, ate too much, made a bit of tit of myself for being stressed about the mess people were making, and the fact that one couple were practically having sex on a couch in a roomful of people (if I wanted to watch that, I'd rent a fucking porn mag).

But there was much intoxication, a topless male at one point; no sex, no kissing, and only small amounts of vomit. Also, I found somebody warm and ursine upon which to curl up and sleep; and he didn't seem to mind. Which was nice.

In other news, I dropped politics!

I've decided I'm not a Christian anymore, because I simply can't be bothered with their twisted view of morality. I believe in God, I'll defend that to the end of the Earth, I'm fairly certain Jesus died for my sins. But I don't see a need to conform in order to fit in with the social group surrounding these beliefs. I will read my bible, and I will pray. In my own time, on my own terms, and I will continue to get stoned, and drunk and have premarital sex; and not care about abortion. Sorry guys, but I'm not a Christian. I'm just a Theist.

I appear to have the most AWESOME best friend a girl could wish for.

I have no food. I literally have a tin of chopped tomatoes in my house, and three pence in change. I can't get my money til after 3pm tomorrow because I have to be college and it's a forty-five minute walk up to the Post Office in Fenham. I rang up Income Support so next week's should be cash-able at Eldon Square. I also have an appointment with this Pathways person on Thursday morning - which is a wonderful excuse to miss General Studies.

Also, my blog (Myspace) appears to have become a forum for internet drama. (www.myspace.com/salexandragwen then click the link to the blog. The blog is entitled "You disappoint me") This amuses me greatly, as the blog was written about someone entirely different to the person who kicked it all off with the commenting.

I vaguely object to a serious post being used in this way, but I guess I let myself in for it by leaving it open to the general public to comment on. On the other hand, I refuse to be intimidated enough not to use my blog, by some pathetic losers looking for a fight. There are occasions when 'I'm feeling really low and just need to talk about it, because if I don't it'll bubble up inside me until it burst through my lips and I go conpletely off the wall at some innocent bystander who hasn't a clue what I screaming about. Those are the times I use my journal or my blog, or call someone up and rant down the phone at them for a while. So I don't have great controll over my emotions. Big deal, who does? Oh, wait. Those emotionally immature, cold-hearted losers who think the definition of pathetic is "having an ability to fall in love and a desire to make a committed relationship with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, work".

Sigh.

I wish they'd find someone else to pick a fight with. Like, somebody who is actually on their "friend's list" maybe? It just irritates me that I have to waste my time and energy defending my friends and my right to fill the internet with random rubbish.

Anyway, enough of my whining, I have a class to get to.

Apologies for ranting, o0nce again.

I haven't updated in a while, but nobody important who I haven't spoken to in the last week reads this anyway; so it's irrelevent.

I like to update though, for comparison purposes.

It would appear almost all of my entries are self-pitying, whiny horrible ones. This must change in 2008.

Unfortunately though, I'm going to whine now.



As anybody who bothers with me knows, I pretty much snapped the night I found out about Elaine. I actually don't care anymore. About almost anything. There are people I don't want to hurt (the Cap'n, Lexycon, Rabbit etc) but to be honest, that's all that matters to me. I'm drinking more than I used to, and more frequently too. I refuse to give up smoking. Fuck the hell off! Really, it's my fucking body, and I'll do with it what I wish. I just don't care. So my lungs are infected and don't work. What's your point? What's the point in being alive if you can't fucking enjoy yourself from time to time? I'm also getting inspired regularly now that I have found a source of inspiration in a strange man who I think is named Soloman, or something that sounds like it. 

Things with the cat are... Well, confusing I guess. In my mind he has blurred and separated out into two people. One is my exboyfriend, who hurt me a lot, lives in Darlo, not sure I could ever forgive him, but if I ever wanted to see that worthless prick again sex would not be an issue (it's just happen...)

The other is this hot guy I met up here. I bought drinks and drugs with him and arranged to see him again. He's funny, and clever and makes me feel good about myself. He has a girlfriend, so is off-limits but... when he's around there is colour in the world and I feel alive. When he's not I just feel numb and my surroundings are dull and grey.  So I have a crush and whenever we're physically close, I feel the overwhelming desire to kiss him... But it doesn't come with emotion. It's lust, and it's very hard to resist.

I'm waiting for him to blur back together into one person when I see him next. I don't know whether it's easier to think of him as two separate (past & present) or as a whole. The past brings emotions that I just don't want to feel, particularly not right now. The present brings desire, that again, I just don't want. But I enjoy his company and always have done. And I'd certainly like to remian on good terms with him and even forge a friendship someday.

Enough of the cat.


I'm on steroids at the moment which mean I can only concentrate for about 20minutes on anything before I become bored and give over to introspection and self-anaylsis.

Went to see Stardust the other day and it left me feeling hollow and slightly sad. (As in upset, not pathetic)

In other news, I'm getting a pretty much constant stream of confidence boost from the Cap'n, which is nice and really does help me cope. He apologised for ruining my life the other day. I am very confused by this as he has never done anything but improve my quality of life for as long as I have known him. And I loves him very, very much.
(Which is different to being in love with him)

Hung out with Lexycon on Saturday, and... well, I had fun, I hope she did too. Though I was decidedly... weird... all day. This can probably be attributed to the meds.

My Dr has referred me to some Mental Health Liason type person who will decide whether I actually need to see a CPN or whether I'm attention-seeking. I don't understand how she'll make the decision as she only has my words to go on. Shrug.

People keep asking me to tell them about my "support network". This makes me angry. People who are there for me consist of (in random order): the Cap'n; Lexycon; Maria Hogan (personal tutor); Dan Clark (mentor); Charis; Esther;  and to some extent Kim&family.

No, my family don't live here. No, my family don't live in Darlington. No, I don't see them frequently. No, it's not that we aren't speaking, we just don't have time for each other right now. But in an emergency I'd be there as fast as lightning; because I love them. They are not part of my "support network". I do not run to Mummy when there is another option available, and there so often is. No, I do not want to go and live with my family. Fuck the hell off! What's wrong with you people? Accept that I am a person in my own right, independent of my family or my past.

Yes, I have tried to kill myself. Well fucking done. Yes, I used to self-harm. Apparently it was "recent" because it's happened three times in the space of a year, at three or four month intervals. If somebody smoked three cigarettes in a year, at three or four month intervals you WOULD NOT CLASS THEM AS A SMOKER. So why do you class me as being "a serious threat to own health"?

Yes, I used to be bulimic and I've had problems with anorexia too. That's not an excuse to ask me "have you eaten today?" every time you see me. It makes me feel guilty. Either because I haven't and you'll worry about me; or because I have and I'm fat, and can't even do that properly. Besides, just because I've eaten today doesn't mean I haven't also thrown up today.  I don't like this overbearing concern towards me. It's nice that you care, really. I appreciate it. (Now fuck off and mind your own business) I just don't want to talk about it. It's irrelevent anyway! Whether I'm eating or not has nothing to do with how depressed I feel. Sometimes throwing up makes me feel strong. Sometimes it makes me feel pathetic. Sometimes not eating makes me feel slimmer. Other times I despair that I can have problems with eating, and remain fat.

Sigh. I remember the Cap'n saying to me; the day after the Elaine thing "well, you know, just do whatever you need to in order to get through the day".

Recently this has entailed avoiding anything resembling work, or anything that requires more than minimal amounts of effort; and getting as inebriated as possible, for as long as possible. Oh, and copious amounts of sex get me through the week on some kind of endorphin kick. But then I have a self-hate/self-pity session and end up feeling guilty and like the worst kind of shit  -for reasons I do not wish to disclose.

I'm up and down all over the place right now, and I'm generally stressed about money issues. (That was the important bit, if you haven't read all my whining ranting you'll miss that. Which is so typically female, I'm almost ashamed of myself enough to rework the entire thing. But I'm writing notes for a philosophy class I miss at the same time, thus it would involve too much thought.) Yes. Anyway, good day.

I am awesome, he is not.

And his girlfriend is a naive, easily led, idiot. Who fails quite a ridiculous extent. This makes me feel much better because now I don't have to waste my valuable emotions on that worthless prick. This will be the last cat-orientated entry for a while...

In other news: I spent the week having really good sex. With someone who cares about me, as a person more than as a partner.

That is all I have ever wanted.

Also, despite his girlfriend attempting to make me feel inferior - I am more eloquent, articulate and intelligent than she, and this is obvious when reading the conversation between us. In her defence it was claimed that "she is really upset, and not at her best".  Of course, during a large part of the conversation (ie ALL OF IT) I was swinging between slamming back tequila, throwing up tequila in the middle of the street, and lying in bed shivering, with a horrible headache and a bad taste in my mouth, recovering from throwing up tequila. In no specific order.  Also, I was absolutley devastated that things could have gone from such an extreme to the opposite extreme in the space of one text message.

But now I feel empty and just slightly uncomfortable when I think about either of them.

But because I was not aware of the fact that he had a girlfriend until Thursday night - I now have to go and get an STD check. I just hope to Gods I haven't caught anything from the naive little bitch. (Via Hudson)

Anyway, I am feeling awesome, because awesome is what I, in fact, am.

I'm going to remove you from my lists, and stop looking at your profile.



How can you want to spend time with somebody who has hurt me so much?



You don't care about me, do you? If you did you'd react differently. I'm going to remove you from everything.

This does not just apply to one single person.

I doubt you'll even notice, because I mean so little to you now.










But I used to call you my friend.

I resent you so much that I'm having difficulty holding a normal conversation with or about you.




You will never realise, because you are (understandably) wrapped up in all the new and exciting things going on in your life.



This is why I resent you.

you never notice

that I refuse to answer your questions



is it because you don't care






or are you really that selfish?